TGI EPH

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Evil House of China

A couple weeks ago, I watched the much anticipated (by me) The Grudge 2 and I have to say it didn't disappoint. I am now officially scared of all the peoples and peoples who look like the peoples of Japan. Rach came with me too and was coincidentally in the same theatre, but she in fact watched another movie named Watching the Arm of My Sweater Whilst Asking My Fiancee What's Going on in The Grudge 2. Yea I heard that movie sucked BTW haha. The movie definitely prepped me for the gang's recent trip to Knott's Scary Farm where they had a special Grudge 2 Maze. It makes me want to fee fee in my fanties just thinking about it. *Shudders*.

In the spirit of this past Friday the 13th, and it being Halloween and all, I thought I'd create a special holiday post retelling one of my favorite spooktakular stories. My Auntie told me this story when I was a kid and apparently it's true. Read on, IF YOU DARE. PUAH HA HA HA!?!

THE EVIL HOUSE OF CHINA

Once upon a time, in a small non-descrip town, on a cracked earthen road in rural China, a humble farmer named Wang makes his way on his long journey home. Given Wang's exhaustion after an unusually hectic, but prosperous day, he finds that his worn-out knotty legs have brought him but a quarter of the way back to his small home two cities away. The advent of the setting sun, coupled with unusually inclement weather have prompted Wang to seek quarter for the night. Too poor to pay for a room at the nearest inn, Wang endeavours to rely upon the kindness of the townsfolk along the earthen road to provide him with shelter for the night.

Knock, knock.

"Sir, could you please spare an extra room or your stable for that matter, for this poor farmer?" Wang pleaded. "I am far from home, and I surely cannot travel any further this rainy night."

The owner of the house scoffed at Wang, with his nose held high.

"You peasant, you smell of garlic and oxen. Your stench will annoy even my pigs. Away with you!"

House after house, the reply was the same. Would Wang find shelter this night? Thoroughly dismayed, Wang happened upon the very last house for miles. It was a lonely house, made of mud, weathered by the winds of neglect. Wang, in desperation, knocks on the door of the house.

Knock, knock.

An ancient lady peers through a crack in the door, her countenance as aged as the house in which she resides. She proceeded to cup her ear in an effort to hear the stranger at the door better.

"Ma'am, you are my last hope for finding shelter on this night. Please have pity on this humble farmer and provide me quarter ... I beg you." Wang beeseched.

"But of course you can my son", the lady reassured, ushering Wang inside the house. "You're welcome to stay in the room down the hall, second door on the right."

"You have saved me madame - surely the Gods will smile upon your kindness!" Wang exclaimed. Full of good cheer, Wang bid the lady a good night and closed the door to the room.

Upon entering the room, Wang found that a simple straw mat was set upon the earthen floor, complete with a tattered quilt and pillows filled with chicken feathers. Wang, not hesitating to allow this day to pass, laid his bone-weary body down on the straw mat to what he thought would be a well deserved rest.

Only minutes after Wang laid his head down on the mat, a faint sound, the source of which Wang could not discern, seemed to come from the room next door. Wang dismissed this disruption as tricks of the howling wind outside and tried that much harder to go back to his dreams of the new harvest. However, the harder he tried to go back to sleep, the louder the sound became. Curiousity got the better of Wang, who at this point got up and cupped his hand to the wall that was shared with the room next door. Strangely, Wang heard the muffled sound of music with a glint of what sounded like laughter. Still curious, given that the bedroom walls were made of mud, Wang poked a finger sized peep-hole into the room next door and peered through it. What he saw through the peep-hole was a strange sight to behold: a young, bare-naked woman stood there dancing to the music, the source of which Wang still could not discern.

"That's odd, I could've sworn that the old lady lived here by herself." Wang, dismissing the scene as a trick of his exhausted mind, once again, laid down on the straw mat to try and go back to sleep. Yet the sound of the music remained, this time louder and more hypnotic, almost as if emanating from his very head. Wang, in a fit of frustration, went back to same peep-hole he bore earlier and took another look. This time, however, he saw something he was not expecting. Hoping, secretly, to see the young woman again, he instead saw the color red, and only the color red, through the peep hole. He looked away, rubbed his eye, and then looked through the peep-hole again -- the color red was all he saw.

"Something strange is going on here." Muttered Wang. "First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to have to bring this up to the old lady." Finally, Wang was able to fall asleep a mere two hours before sunrise.

The next day, Wang awoke to the smell of rice porridge and dried fish being prepared in the kitchen. The old lady bid him good morning and implored him to eat. After Wang had his fill, he decided to confront the lady about the strange goings-ons from the previous night.

"Madame, thank you so much for your hospitality. I did want to bring something to your attention however." Wang recalled. "I believe I saw your daughter in the room next to the one I slept in, dancing late into the night with music blaring from a source unknown. It was quite difficult to get a good night's rest with all that racket."

Suddenly the old lady's face turned a sallow white as if she had just seen a ghost.

"I am sorry sir, but that is impossible." The old lady said sadly, but curtly. "My daughter has been dead for over 20 years. She was born with an abnormality you see. The townsfolk would constantly torment her for it. She eventually committed suicide to free herself from her tormentors ... all this becase of her one red eye. "

THE END

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE Y'ALL - be safe.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Summer Hiatus = Over

As I thaw from the suspended animation that has come to typify my blog this past summer, a faint chill tingles my newly shaven head. My favorite season is here: Autumn! Just in case you were wondering, whenever Autumn gets picked on by the other seasons because of his peculiar sounding name, he goes by the much more gangsta: Fall! Who wants to mess with Fall huh? Spring with your flowers and showers? Didn't think so punk!

Speaking of seasons ... hmmm, summer. Where in the world did you go? Down super busy street next to no time for blogging lane, that's where. Seems many of you have missed me during my summer blogging hiatus. You can tell by some of the spirited comments and IMs I've been receiving as of late:

Well come on! What are you waiting for? Give some of your... I think the.. uh.. "Gangsta" way of saying it is "NorCal," (maybe?) some love and post something!

I'm tired of cockroaches.

I'm about to give up on your blog.
Ouch.

I smell something, and it's not the litterbox ... it's my readers' bile-filled ANGST. Hopefully the following will cheer you up a bit. Though I will undoubtedly post more about some of the more significant moments of this summer's past, I've decided to give you a quick pictoral rundown of this summer's events in the interim. Hover over each pic for some gripping color commentary from yours truly:

Me totally trashed after my totally 80s bday EPHstravaganzaOperation Hawaii ProposalWhat, fireworks aren't legal in your city? Move to Norwalk!Rachel wanted Christmas in July for her Birthday, so she got it: ugly Christmas sweater party at the North Woods InnThis asian man-beat-a-thon was actually taken during Rach and I's engagement party. Thanks to all who attended!Meet most of the wedding entourage for the upcoming wedding of the century 2007!Chars and I on our last and only bonfire of the summerIndo says: Dear daddy, don't be sad. I LOVE the Philippines and Lolo & Lola's new house! I'm actually bathed and fed!Hooray for our Money Pit!I even got a new sis this summer! Sweet!

Fast forward to today, and voila, you're all caught up. Till next time!

Next time on TGI EPH:

Many of you will be familiar with my next post as I tell it at least once every Halloween season. It's a story so blood-curdingly frightening, it's made lesser men puke, pee and cry -- ALL AT ONCE. Ahhhhhhhh! Make sure to visit again on Friday the 13th when we take a trip to the Evil House of China. Dun dun dunnnnnn!?!