Roachaphobia

Being the hardcore tough guy that I am, I'm not afraid of many things in this world. But the things that I am afraid of, I'm really afraid of ... borderline phobic perhaps. The majority of these fears were formed at an early age through a series of traumatic events. Let's analyze this further ...

PHOBIA #1: LAS CUCARACHAS

Breakfast looks especially frisky this morning!

One would think that being born in the land of super-roaches (or as they're called in the Philippines: ipis), courage towards roaches would be in my blood. First, I should point out that ipis back home aren't your run-of-the-mill baby German roaches, they are in fact monsters. Yes that's right, MONSTERS, replete with wings that enable them to fly. Ipis will laugh at your futile attempts to squash them with your tsinelas, so you have to take a more active part in their destruction. You have to literally crush them with your hands. In fact, my Dad will routinely kill an ipis with his bare hands like it was something as ordinary as walking your dog. EWWW.

Here are some of my favorite roach factoids:

• A cockroach can live a week without its head. It dies from dehydration and not because its lost its head
• A cockroach can hold its breath for 40 minutes
• They can survive radiation up to 12 times greater than humans
• Roaches have been implicated in the spread of tuberculosis, leprosy, cholera, dysentery and typhoid
• The average roach-infested household contains more than 20,000 roaches

See! Only monsters and the devil himself can have these qualities. So what can my particular case of roachaphobia be traced to you say? I feel a flashback coming on! Queue the harps...

One fine day in the Philippines, a young non-roach-fearing Eph, was innocently enjoying some Maiz con Queso (sweet corn and cheese) ice cream, when in the off distance, a faint rustling was heard. The source of the rustling was in fact the flower arrangement on the table. This faint rustle transformed from a rustle to a low roar (think helicopter blades). What came out of the flower arrangement, no, what SPAWNED from the flower arrangement, was the biggest ipis I'd ever seen, and it was flying straight towards me. Now the ipis could've just flown past me, but it had to taste the sweet nectar that was Queso con Maiz ice cream, the remnants of which were still glistening on my lips. So like a Greek tragedy, all time stopped while the ipis proceeded to land its disease laden body on my face. I don't remember if I fainted, but I feel like fainting just thinking about it - OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Because of this single act, I cannot sleep in a room where I've seen an ipis in. I obsessively Raid any possible opening that an errant ipis might come through. I don't venture into the kitchen at night so as to not have a chance encounter with a dreaded ipis. Rach and I have a deal that when we get married and have a house of our own, I have to kill all the spiders (I'm not afraid of arachnids - go figure) and she has to kill all the ipis.

For all these reasons and more, I despise the ipis (and so should you). Be on the lookout for future phobia analyses themed posts including: rabbits, needles and earthquakes.

LATE.